I engaged in a dialogue with another writer this evening about his opening line, which I found to be contorted and dense, to the point that I had to read it twice to get any sort of rhythm from it. First lines tend to be such a big deal with writers; there are actually workshops and articles out there on how to write a great first line (check google – you’ll be amazed).
Personally, I think that authors put far too much importance on the first line. Amy Myers said it best;
Readers are not dumb; they need the first line not only to seize their attention but to be a valid introduction to the novel, rather than an attention-seeking line whose promise is not fulfilled by the text that follows. It needs to indicate the novel that lies ahead in its style, content and the genre.
Boy, that’s a lot for just one line to do.
From personal experience, I can say that the first line is not the be-all and end-all of the novel, and readers will give you at least a couple of pages before they throw their hands up in horror. I know this, because I am a reader too. So it doesn’t have to be perfect and amazing, but I do think it should be effective and set the tone for what follows.
So, in the spirit of investigation, I’m going to put up first lines from five of my stories, and my analysis of them.
1. Science Fiction
The humans had left nothing behind; even the great metal doors of the vehicle hangar had been removed and the fittings pulled from the concrete walls.
I like this line. I think it works, because it warns the reader that the POV character isn’t human, it puts the scene in an abandoned building belonging to the humans. This line will probably stand in the final revision, albeit with some polishing.
2. Fantasy
Flint pushed on, legs aching, breath steaming in the night air.
I’m not keen on this one. All it tells the reader is that the POV character is moving somewhere. You might get the impression that he’s in peril, but he could also training for a marathon. Needs revision.
3. Science Fiction
She angled through the press of people, faces garish in the neon glow.
Ack. I wrote this a couple of years ago, and it’s bad. Oh well. At least it attempts to set a mood.
4. Fantasy
Valerie waited as the torches stuttered and flared on the battlements and the sounds of battle drifted down into the village.
Ye gods, what was I thinking? This is a great example of how using the wrong words can ruin the mood of a piece. She’s watching a battle unfold, and what words do I decide to use? Waited, stuttered, drifted. Slow, meandering words better suited to afternoon tea on the patio. I’m going to try and forget this line ever existed.
5. New Weird
I was on the tail end of another game of who-gets-the-kids with my ex-wife when I arrived at the crime scene.
I don’t mind this one. It has voice, it gives the reader a glimpse into the POV character, it tells them that he’s involved with the police and that a crime has been committed. Not bad. What a pity the rest of the story is mind-numbing drivel.
Now your turn! Don’t be shy, I love criticism. Tell me what you think of my first lines, whether you think they were effective or not, and why.
And if you’d like to play the first line game, leave a link in the comments and I’ll come and read your first lines.
(P.S. 1000 words tonight, woo!)
24 Comments
June 22, 2009 at 12:26 am
I agree with most of your assessments.
I don’t love the structure of #1. In general I don’t like negative sentences, and the the semi-colon is iffy. It’s also a bit passive.
The humans took it all, down to the great metal doors of the vehicle hangar and the fittings from the concrete walls. (or had taken, poached, stolen, ransacked, pillaged, looted, stripped, despoiled, reclaimed, repossessed, repo’d)
#5 is my fave here. I totally “get” this character, I’m right in there with him, there’s at least 2 conflicts right away, and I definitely want to read more. None of the other 1st lines really hook me like this one.
Here’s an excellent analysis of my first line:
(scroll down half way)
http://blog.dawnsrise.com/2009/05/first-line-of-dawns-rise.html
June 22, 2009 at 10:26 am
Except your rewrite has changed not only the tense, but also the meaning of the sentence :) You’ll have to trust me on this one; it’s meant to be passive, like a breath let out, a moment of stillness.
Oh, it still needs work, I agree with you there! It may go in a completely different direction before the book is complete. But it does say what I want it to say.
June 22, 2009 at 10:59 am
Oh, and what’s wrong with semi-colons? They’re a very useful tool.
June 23, 2009 at 1:54 am
Nothing. I just feel like the first line should flow…and by definition a semi-colon is a pause.
Also why would you want a moment of stillness to start a novel?
I’m just an action fan.
I still prefer #5 ;)
June 22, 2009 at 6:52 am
This prompted me to look at my first lines, all of which are bad! lol thank heavens most of them are only first draft first lines… I might have to do a reply post, if so I’ll let ya know!
I definitely don’t think that the first line will lose a reader, I think first paragraph is more important in that regards, but yeah, I give a few pages or so before making any judgment.
Grats on the 1k words!
June 22, 2009 at 9:55 am
Merrilee, I shall not comment on your first lines. I’ve have enough of first lines this morning to last me a lifetime!
I’m the guy who’s first line Merrilee didn’t like. She was right not to like it. In the wake of her crit, I stayed up half the night re-writing it and I’ve just spent half the morning pulling my book off the (electronic) shelves and updating it with a new first line. Luckily, I haven’t sold many copies yet – or maybe that wasn’t anything to do with luck.
Despite the pain, I think I owe you a big thank you, Merrilee. Only time and sales figures will tell.
June 22, 2009 at 10:33 am
Oh dear, this is what I get for opening my mouth and spouting off my opinion. Sorry Jack!
Jack’s blog and his book “Manhunt” can be found here -> http://jackholbrook.wordpress.com/
June 22, 2009 at 11:55 am
J.C.- I do have to agree, the first paragraph sets the tone for an entire novel. It allows the reader to determine a sense of compatibility with the author’s style. If there isn’t a mutual kinship, then there won’t be a lasting interest.
As to first lines, Merrilee: no. 1- i also like that the reader immediately knows the POV isn’t human. it adds intrigue….
No. 4- All those past tense verbs in the middle of a tense scene….this is exactly the same problem that I all too easily fall into as a writer as well. And, fortunately for me, my wife is not afraid to call me out on it when she reads (edits) my work!!
well, in the spirit of goodwill, here is a link to one of my own first lines:
http://www.mwgriffith.wordpress.com
June 22, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Thanks for playing, Mr Griffith :)
June 22, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Hi Merrilee, I saw what you did to my mate Jack on his blog. I also saw your savaging of Sonya Chung on hers. They both deserved it, of course, but I don’t suppose Chung will be losing any sleep over it.
I agree with your own assessments of your first lines and thought I should have a look back at a few of mine (from my vast collection of unpublished novels). Here’s a sampling:
1. Sci-fi comedy. “Roxx walked unsteadily into the command centre, ducking low to get through the portal.” (It looks rather bland out of context. A couple of intriguing phrases maybe “walked unsteadily”, “ducking low”. But it’s not “The past is a foreign country etc.” by a long way.)
2. Sci-fi thriller. “The music thundered.” (Again, pretty dull out of context but this is part of one of my favourite opening paragraphs. ‘Snappy’ is about all that can be said for it.)
3. Sci-fi lit. “In the matter of most things profound or contentious, I’m squarely in the centre, fiercely on the fence, unapologetically agnostic.” (Now this one I like. It’s vaguely humorous, it sums up the speaker, sets the tone well, and I love alliteration ;-)
4. Space opera 1. “Petrov’s office is large and dark.” (Hmmm. I think there’s a pattern emerging here.)
5. Space opera 2. “Aliens!” (What can I tell you? I like short. With a first line like this – first paragraph too – at least the reader knows what they’re getting.)
June 22, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Hi Graham, thanks for playing :) I also like the voice in your #3. I’m amused by #5; it sounds like something light-hearted and fun and over-the-top, and I would definitely read on.
June 23, 2009 at 2:18 am
I’m shocked that Merrilee would “savage” anyone.
;)
I need links!! I want to see this!
June 23, 2009 at 1:40 am
Oh, I think I’ll play on my own blog. I should be able to cut and paste without making my finger bleed more.
My thoughts:
#1: They left the concrete. :p But still an intriguing description of the scene.
#2: I remember Flint! Did he ever get away?
#3: Rather pedestrian.
#4: I remember Valerie too. And I agree with your assessment, but I do like the description of torches. That I’d keep to move somewhere else.
#5: This guy sounds like my type of law enforcement character. Give him a story worthy of him.
June 23, 2009 at 2:45 am
Well, here’s the stuff I had handy: First Line Critiques. And now I need to get my hand away from the keyboard.
June 23, 2009 at 2:04 am
One of my favorite first lines to one of my stories was “Of all the ways I’ve ever imagined waking up, doing so at 6:30 in the morning with an overweight, middle-aged man standing beside my bed – naked – never crossed my mind.”
It’s still kinda rough (I was pressed for time because I was writing it for a class), but I love the set up.
June 23, 2009 at 2:17 am
That would definitely freak me out.
June 23, 2009 at 10:54 am
It’s awkward, but the humour comes through, and captures my interest.
June 23, 2009 at 10:46 am
Hey Merrilee,
I apologize that you didn’t enjoy my first line, and indeed the entire piece is riddled with issues, especially considering it had never been edited before. First drafts are great! Anyway, I thought it would be fun to post a problematic first line and see what people could come up with! Great game!
June 23, 2009 at 10:53 am
I wouldn’t say I didn’t ‘enjoy’ it. I loved the first phrase, just not the second.
And don’t apologise just because a reader doesn’t like something you’ve written. :)
June 23, 2009 at 11:12 am
Yeah, I laughed when you pointed that out. It made no sense! LoL!
June 23, 2009 at 11:40 am
I just feel like I need to justify my train of thought with my first line. I don’t know why, maybe I just need to know that it makes sense to someone else too. Maybe I am too attached to it! but anyways…
The “fascination” which wrapped around the POV’s heart is describing a memory which follows it in the very first paragraph. This fascination is a little girl’s mixed emotional reaction of horror, fear, and amazement to a violent dogfight over territory followed by the deathblow of a gunshot.
Does this help?
June 23, 2009 at 11:49 am
I’m confused…that’s the phrase I liked. Why are you trying to justify it further? Or are you addressing another poster?
October 10, 2009 at 7:33 pm
I’d love to play the first lines game, but… I tend to write all in the same genre! Oops. :D
November 29, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Yeah i agree, I think people who come up with these rules about writing are usually editors who have spent too much time spanking the monkey ;)
They are on ego trips and need to recognise that prologues and first lines are fine. The reader will decide what works for them